If God Loves Me, Why I Am Struggling With Infertility?

The other day I heard the song, “Your Love is Strong,” by Jon Foreman. I’ve known it for years, but this was the first time I’ve heard it in a while.

It starts by walking through the Lord’s Prayer and then makes other Scriptural allusions, talking about how the beauty of creation in birds and meadows (Matthew 6:26–30).

It then turns to a prechorus that says:

“So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need.
You know what I need.”

It then immediately goes into the chorus, which repeats the phrase, “Your love is strong.”

Is His Love Really Strong?

It’s easy to hear those words when things are going well and to know that God is in control. It’s easy to trust God — well, is it really trust? — when everyone is happy and you more or less see the direction of where God is taking you.

It’s much more difficult to remind yourself that God is in control — and that He is still good and loves you — when there are things happening that we don’t understand. Or when God doesn’t answer a request for something that is good.

In my case, of course, that’s the request for children.

It’s a good request. It’s a mandate that God has given us: To be fruitful and multiply.

But for three years now, He has not answered my request. All the while continuing to answer that request for countless others around me.

So needless to say, the song struck me. Partly as a reminder — well, let’s say an emotional reminder.

Because the truth is, I don’t often experience a lot of emotions in my relationship with God. I asked Him a few years ago to wean me off my dependence on feelings in my walk with Him so that I wouldn’t idolize them, and He has been doing that. (Which, as a side note, is much more difficult than I realized!)

Yet when I listened to this song, I felt as if my heart was pierced in a way it hasn’t been in a while.

The Truth of the Matter

I do believe, by the power of the Holy Spirit, that God is good. That He is good even when unfair or sad or difficult things are happening in my life.

And I do believe, by the power of the Holy Spirit, that God loves me in the midst of this infertility journey. That He is not punishing me or ignoring my requests. That He isn’t irritated with my questions or my anger or my sadness or my grief.

But even though I believe those things, sometimes the disconnect between my head and my heart is so great, and the pain is so deep, that I forget His love is strong.

I forget that I can trust Him, whatever comes.

That’s why I’m thankful for songs like this and for Scripture and for a community of believers to remind me of the truth — both in my head and in my heart — when I forget it.

Because on any journey of sorrow and pain, it’s easy to stop remembering how strong and capable the love of God is.

Take a listen to the song for yourself and remind yourself, along with me, that whatever is in our lives right now, that God’s love is still strong.

This post originally appeared on the blog https://diaryofchristianinfertility.wordpress.com.