Woman praying with text overlay, “Infertility & how things should be.”

Infertility & Grieving the Loss of How Things ‘Should Be’

“This is not how things were supposed to be.”

That’s what I was thinking/praying as I sped down the highway to get a lovely test done where dye was shot into my uterus leading to DEAR-GOODNESS-THESE-ARE-AWFUL CRAMPS to see if my fallopian tubes were working. Followed by my leaking a tarlike substance into a pad for the next few hours.

Yeah. It was a good time (insert sarcasm here).

I couldn’t help thinking that phrase then — and over and over again these days as I go to the fertility clinic or have another doctor’s appointment or get more bloodwork done or face another period.

Or, in a bonus unexpected test, as I get saline shot into my uterus because something looked slightly abnormal in the dye test. (Thankfully, everything was OK, but seriously … eww.)

The Unending Journey of Infertility

The longer that “not how it should be” thought rattles around in my mind, the more another question presents itself: How long do I want to continue down this road? I mean, yes, I want to know if something is wrong. But if something is wrong — if we need “help” to have biological children — how far do we want to go?

It’s not that I think fertility treatments are wrong or sinful as a Christian. I don’t at all!

But the idea I had of making a child with my husband was more a dream of us loving each other and spending time together enjoying sexual intimacy. Not him ejaculating into a container and me getting (basically) a baster shoved up me, preceded and followed by countless ultrasounds and tests.

So even though fertility treatments aren’t wrong, it just feels … sad. Like the death of a dream I didn’t know I had. After all, I’m not sure prior to this lovely infertility journey I *really* thought about how I wanted conception to look.

I didn’t think about it because I assumed everything would work out fine. We would get pregnant within months of trying.

And now that it’s been three years, I can’t help but ask that question: How far do we really want to go to have a baby?

Honestly, I’m not sure what the answer is. But I know whatever we decide, I’ll have to continue to process the grief of a journey that is not “as it should be.”

And quite frankly, that’s a hard pill to swallow.

Originally published at http://diaryofchristianinfertility.wordpress.com on February 19, 2022.

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Christian woman currently on the infertility journey, although I occasionally write about other things. diaryofchristianinfertility.wordpress.com

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Bethany G.

Bethany G.

Christian woman currently on the infertility journey, although I occasionally write about other things. diaryofchristianinfertility.wordpress.com

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